Imagine
by random smilie
Summary: Imagine you wake up the next morning and realise it wasn't just your worst nightmare. A figment of your imagination. I magine its all true. Imagine you've just seen your best mate try to commit suicide. angsty,happyish ending.
1. Chapter 1

Lily was startled out of her stupor when someone slammed their books down on the desk before her. She looked up from her essay and scowled.

"What do you want, Black?" she spat at the seventh year boy.

He looked furious, and Lily almost cowered at the sight of his flashing blue-grey eyes. Sirius's usual lazy smile was absent, instead a angry furious scowl stared down at her.

"What do I want?" he hissed, leaning down, hands splayed across the table. If looks could kill, Lily realised she would be long dead. Her widened in shock as Sirius picked up book and hurled it against the wall of the empty Heads' common room.

"Dammit Evans do you know what you've done?" Sirius roared as he whirled around to face her. Lily got over her initial shock and snarled,

"Black, I don't know what you're talking about. Get lost, and go jump of a cliff with bloody Potter."

Sirius gave a bark of humourless laughter.

"See, there's a problem with that. 'Bloody Potter' almost fucking DIED!"

Lily blinked.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sirius shook his head.

"You have absolutely no idea do you?" he asked. He swore and clenched his fists. Suddenly his face was up near her taken aback one, and he was whispering.

"Imagine, just for a moment? Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to see our best mates bed empty. Imagine finding him an hour later at the top of the Astronomy Tower, tears pouring down his face. Imagine James Potter _crying_. And then imagine asking him, 'Mate what are you doing?". But you already know. He was about to commit suicide."

Lily gasped softly. _What?_

Sirius laughed hollowly. He continued, saying in that odd calm voice,

"Do you know what he said Evans?"

She shook her head numbly.

"He said,' Its my fault. I killed them, and I'm killing her. I should die, shouldn't I? She says I should, she's right."

Lily sat, paralysed in shock, the previous days events hurling back to her.

**FLASHBACK**

"Evans, I'm sorr-"

"No you're not. You don't give a damn about anyone but your bloody self. I'm suprised your parents haven't died because of you. I know I would. So why don't _you_ just go bloody jump of a cliff and DIE?" Lily yelled, storming away from James.

**END FLASHBACK**

"Did you know why James couldn't make it to the meeting?"

She shook her head numbly.

"His parents died. And do you know who he blames?"

She remained silent.

"Fuck Evans! He fucking blames himself!" Sirius shouted.

"God no" Lily whispered. _His parents had died and she had...fuck._

Sirius shook his head in disgust.

"The guy was going to bloody apologise to you. For something he couldn't help. And you, Evans, you rip his heart out and grind it mercilessly into the floor with the heel of your shoe."

Lily felt a tear trickle down her cheeck. She opened her mouth-

"I'm not finished!" Sirius snarled. He leant back in.

"Imagine he stands on the ledge and whispers, 'Its all my fault Padfoot. I should be punished. Do you think they'll forgive me? I'll see them up there, won't I Padfoot?'. You remember you've left you're wand in your trunk. You tell him to come back, you tell him he's drunk. That he's not thinking straight, and it'll all better in the morning. But he isn't drunk. And he knows it won't be better in the morning. Imagine he turns to you and smiles as he says,' Tell her I'm sorry, and that I love her. Don't miss me too much Padfoot.'"

Lily's cheeks were wet. Sirius ignored them.

"Imagine you see him jump. You see his body plummet to the ground, a smile on his wet face. Imagine the panic, the raw fear. And then the relief when you see him land in a blackberry bush. Imagine the pure relief as you sprint down the stairs, and out to the grounds, yelling 'I'm coming mate, it's all right.'. You don't care that you could wake the whole sodding palace. Then imagine your shock as you lead him bloody and scratched when he whispers,' Do you think she'll hate me for not dying?''

Lily was sobbing softly now. Sirius simply sneered at her tears.

"Imagine Evans, when you wake up next to his bedside the next morning and you realise it wasn't your worst nightmare. That it wasn't just a figment of your imaginiation. Imagine you realise its true. Imagine you've seen your best mate try to commit suicide because he made the mistake of loving someone."

With a final look of utter loathing, Sirius swept out of the room. Lily collapsed to the floor, crying without restraint.

She tries, just for a moment to imagine. To imagine thats its not true. But she can't

After all, not everything is a figment of our imagination.

**A/N This is my first angsty type story, so I'm sorry if it wasn't tear worthy. Came up with it when I felt that Lily needed a good telling to. I know James is a bit insane, but forgive me. Its all the trauma from his parents death.**

**Not sure if i should leave it at that or resolve it. Please tell me!!**

**Ta.**

**random smilie.**


	2. Chapter 2

She would see him today, Lily decided. She would see what she had done, and she would understand.

Understand, she had so much to understand.

She walked quietly to the Hospital Room, her breathing shallow and laboured. A tear threatened to escape her eye.

_She had pushed him to his near death._

It was her fault. All hers. So, she would understand the consequence of her actions.

She pushed the doors open, and listened. Someone was speaking.

"I remember, when I first met you, I saw you and Sirius about to pour treacle on Fich's cat. You had looked up, and put a finger to your lips. I smiled and nodded, and helped you escape from Filch's wrath. We were best mates after that."

It was Remus. Lily strained to listen. Perhaps this was eavsdropping...

"We were inseperable after that, you, me, Sirius and eventually Peter. We were the Marauders, friends till death. You accepted me for who I was once you found out. You accepted my 'furry little problem," here Remus gave a watery chuckle. Lily crept further into the room and saw him speaking to an unconcious James. Sirius was by his side, a hand on Remus' quivering shoulder.

"You worked day in and day out, trying to find a way to help me during the full moons when I was a monster, a _werewolf_. Whenever I told you it was fine, that you need not help, you would get angry, and say 'Your problems are our problems, and I intend to fix them.' Sirius would say you sounded too bloody serious in those times, and this would result in some lame pun."

Sirius smiled. Lily's eyes widened. Remus was a _werewolf. _No wonder he couldn't patrol that night!

"But you did it. After three years of pouring over textbooks you did it. You, Sirius and Peter risked Azkaban for me. In fifth year, you became Anigami."

Lily stuffed a fist in her mouth to stop her self from gasping. _Anigami!_

Remus let out a dry sob.

"What will we do without you Prongs? You the stag, the leader of our group. Without you we're nothing. We might be friends until death, but you weren't supposed to die so early! Who will stop me getting too worried about an upcoming test or think up some crazy prank to make me smile before the full moon? Who will be Sirius' surrogate brother? Who will Peter copy off in those back breaking Potion classes? Who will Sirius hide behind when an angry ex threatens to kill him? Who will curse Snivellus into the oblivion? Who will be _Prongs_? " Remus broke off in a sob.

Sirius whispered quietly, a tear making a track down his face,

"Come back to us mate. We miss you."

"Who's going to win us the Quidditch Cup, mate? There's no time left, just two weeks! There's no one that can play Quidditch like you, and then imagine what good old Snivellus would say? Our last match Prongs, you gotta be there for the last game." Sirius whispered, stroking his best mates hair in a brotherly fashion.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

It was James. Sirius and Remus pounced on him, scolding him and laughing all at the same time.

"Don't you dare do that to me again!" Sirius cried. Lily sighed with relief and sank into a chair. Thank Merlin.

Remus stood up and noticed Lily. His expression hardened immediately.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

James turned in the direction Remus and Sirius were glaring.

"Lily?" he asked quietly.

She nodded.

"Evans, just get out." Remus snarled.

She walked foward shakily, and stood by his bedside, her knees threatening to give away. She looked into his eyes. That odd sparkle was gone.

A tear trickled down her cheek. She whispered, her eyes focused on his,

"I'm so sorry. For everything."

James let out a low humourless laugh.

'You don't get it, do you? You don't understand. Do you know what it's like to see your parents eyes dead and sightless, and to see a wretched Dark Mark hovering above your house? Do you know what it's like to get from their funeral and get blamed for their death? To hear someone say that its your fault they died. To hear that it'd be better if you jumped off a cliff and died. To hear it from the person that you love. To want to die. To try to die. Then to live, and feel worse than you ever have. Because you feel so guilty. Guilty that you didn't die, because she wanted you to die. But more guilty because you hurt your friends. the people that really care about you."

Sobs were wracking her body, and she choking out, again and again,'I'm sorry.'

James looked at her and said,

"Get out Evans."

Lily staggered out of the door, and collapsed against the wall of the deserted corridor.

It was only then that she realised what James had called her when she woke up.

_Lily._

The flower of death.

**A/N Hey. You wanted it, so I delivered it. I wanted to resolve it and finish, but it didn't flow. So I settled for a depressing one. I'll continue it if you want. **

**I have a theory.**

**If I am a car, then reviews are my fuel.**

**In other words, review. ta **


	3. Chapter 3

The best state of mind, Lily thought as she gulped down the Firewhisky, is when you're drunk. The floating feeling, almost like she was flying. She looked up at the stars. Twinkling. They looked too happy.

"Why are you so happy?" she asked them. They only twinkled down at her. She frowned.

"That's not fair. You should be answering me!"

They sparkled and shone, mocking her with their joy.

"Answer me dammit!" she yelled suddenly.

"Why are you so fucking happy? I almost killed someone, and you're happy? Do you even care?" she screamed, the bottle of Firewhisky lying empty at her side and she stormed at the skies.

She broke into sobs. James hadn't even looked at her. Hadn't given her a chance to say sorry. Hadn't accepted her apology.

She was sorry. She was so sorry that she wouldn't mind standing on that ledge, and plunging down to Earth herself. She lent on the stone ledge and looked down.

Funny, there was no black berry bush waiting for her at the bottom of the fall. Maybe that was a sign.

A sign that the world wanted her to die.

She looked to the stars. They still shone. The stars didn't care. The heavens didn't care.

No one cared.

Perhaps that was because she never cared for anyone.

She treated everyone with sneering indifference. Sure she saved Snape and other weak students from bullies, but did she do that because she cared about them, or because she cared for her image?

Lily looked at herself in shock. She was a monster. All those times she had called James a monster, said he made her sick. She made herself sick. She shuddered.

James deserved to live. Thats why he did.

Lily didn't deserve to live. That's why she probably wouldn't.

As she stood on the ledge, bracing herself, she realised tears were pouring down her cheeks. Didn't Sirius say James was smiling when he jumped?

Perhaps that was because he jumping for the people he loved, not himself. He was happy

Perhaps she was crying because she was feeling sorry for herself. She was dying to make herself happy. She wasn't happy.

She was selfish. A monster. She didn't deserve to live.

As she braced herself, she heard a voice behind her say,

"Don't"

She spun around, and lost her balance. She closed her eyes shut, and was happy for a moment. If this was how it was going to end, at least someone had tried to stop her. That meaned someone cared, didn't it?

But she didn't fall. She didn't topple. An arm wound quickly around her waist and pulled her foward. She gulped. She had been so close, yet someone had saved her. Someone wanted her to live. She looked up, into the hazel eyes of James Potter.

The angry eyes of James Potter. He let go of her quickly, and hissed at her quivering figure,

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

She collapsed to the floor. He swore.

"Answer me, dammit!"

How odd, she had told the stars the very same thing. They hadn't answered her. How very angry she had been that they hadn't answered her.

"I'm sorry"

He shook his head.

"That's not what I was looking for. I know you're sorry. Why did you want to jump?"

Lily looked up at him, hurt in her eyes. She thought no one cared about her.

"No one cared about me."

He laughed hollowly.

"You are so fucked up, you know that? You wanna know why no one but me cared about you? Because you don't give a damn about anyone else."

She had accepted that fact. She would change that fact.

"And you know what hurts more than being hated?"

She shook her head.

'"Being hated by the person you love."

She swallowed, throat parched and dry. He had told her so many times, he loved her. Love. As in past tense.

"You'd think I'd hate you right now, wouldn't you? That I didn't care for you anymore."

Lily let a lone tear slip down her cheek. She wouldn't cry. She would take everything he said, and change herself. For the better. And when he was ready, he would forgive her.

"But I still do."

She looked up in shock.

"What?"

He noddded, and for the first time since he jumped from the Astronomy Tower, he smiled. A genuine smile.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." he said to her, holding a hand out. She laughed, a watery, relieved laugh. He had forgiven her. She took his hand, and he hauled her up. It was then, as she fell into his arms and looked up into his eyes when it happened.

There, on top of the Astronomy Tower, slightly drunk, with a tear stained face, mascara running and ahir tangled and wild, Lily Evans fell in love.

And she realised something.

The best state of mind wasn't when you were drunk.

It was when you were in love.

**A/N Aww. Finally, I finished a chapter that didn't have a morbid ending. Isn't it great?**

**This can be a finish if you want. Or I can continue it, and make them actually get together. It was too fast if they kissed in this chapter. Once again, it's up to you. Sorry if the end was too sappy. smiles sheepishly **

**Whaddya expect? I'm romantic at heart.**

**So, review! Reviews make the world go round!**


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